Color Me Green: Illness, Love, Jealousy, and Permission

I'm feeling a little green around the gills. 

Strep throat is visiting me again. When I went to the doctor the yesterday he examined my throat and said it was not too red, but he would do a swab test just in case because I am high risk--I'm around elementary kids and one of my darlings coughed right in my face the other day.

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You know how you read all the signs, posters, and degrees on the wall in the little check up room while you wait?  All the posters were the same size, more like info-graphics than straight out 'read-me' text. They were laminated. The degrees told me this doctor finished up school in the last few years. While I waited he printed out and an organized OTC medicine guide he'd made himself. He even including herbal remedies. Somehow, it all reminded me of my classroom. He really made me chuckle when he came back in and told me my 'spidey-sense' was right--maybe because I had on a Daily Planet t-shirt and he thought it was the Daily Bugle?--and that I did indeed have strep throat.

Our love is evergreen.

My boys--son and hubby--each gave me a gift yesterday. Son came home from school to have lunch with me. We've been in a rough patch lately; he's sixteen, 'nough said. He made a cup of coffee for me, brought it to me at the kitchen table, and scooted his chair around to sit by me. I was Tweeting my pitches for #PitMad. We trolled the feed and laughed at some, wondered why some were getting likes, and he pointed out a very select few he thought were interesting. At one point I realized this was the least tense I'd felt with him in a while--it was kinda bitter sweet.

Hubby knows I love Pho and that the best in town is made by the mother of our Club member, Lan. Unable to get his hands on that, he stopped at the next best place and brought home hot soup for my poor throat.  He even asked for extra Hoisin sauce. He's my hero.

I'm controlling my green-eyed monster.

I know the literary world is competitive--at that is part of the rush of voluntarily putting myself on the chopping block by entering competitions like #PitMad or #PitchSlam. Unlike other writing competitions in which we send our pages off to some journal or organization, and then waiting to hear back in a month or two, these competitions tease the bejezzers out of us because of the Twitter feeds.

I admit I was glad for the commiseration of my son yesterday when we searched the feeds for entries similar to mine, and found one or two which got 'likes' from agents requesting pages--while mine did not.

Honestly, I don't think the pitches were any stronger than mine, nor did my green-eyed monster. So what made the difference for the agents? Did they see the other posts first? Had they met the author(s) at conferences? Is the universe sending me a message?

How the heck do I know!

I just have to remember the words of wisdom I have heard so often lately, 'it's all subjective'.

I am giving myself the green light.

My plan is to keep moving forward. The long and short of it is to use what I've learned to polish my pages--again--and then start the querying process. 

In the meantime, I have a historical romance in the planning stages and a sci-fi MS I can pick up again. A few short story competitions are on the horizon and I have a great local writing group to keep working and celebrating with! My network is spreading on-line, I have new CPs, and I am inspired by the perseverance and encouragement I find from these connections.

There is work to do.

Grandma

Grandma Lorraine and her amazing smile.
(I'm the blondie in the pink shorts!)

My grandma Lorraine was one of my favorite people. I never doubted for a second that I was one of her favorite people. She came to stay with my parents for an extended stay (a week? more?) and would often tell me about the important bonding we did during that time. That bond remained strong until she died. I wrote about the depth of our connection on that day, promising that she would always be in my thoughts.

Then I stopped thinking about her.

I didn't know I hadn't been thinking about her until last week when I was talking with a dear friend about my family tree and the bonds therein. It was only then that I realized how little I had thought about Grandma in the last decade. It's not like I forgot she existed or I stopped loving her... I just...didn't think about her.

As my friend and I talked, it became obvious that my lack of thought was out of self-defense. Thinking and talking about her brought up an ocean of self-recrimination.

I wasn't there for her when she needed me.

I didn't go to her when she had her stroke.

I was in a movie theater in California instead of by her bed in Minnesota when she died.

Although my mind could rationalize all the truths behind these perceived failures--I had a job and a life in California that didn't allow for hopping on a plane whenever I wished; we had a very tight budget that year (and many years before and after); I didn't know she was going to die that day or during that two hour block of time--my heart never forgave itself. I spent the last ten years blaming myself for failing her.

As these things came to light, my friend and her beautifully empathetic horse helped me sort through them, helped me recognize the pain for what it was and forgive myself. She asked me to remember the bond my grandmother and I shared and feel her presence around me even now.

My beautiful aunt, when she was much younger.

The next day, my mother and her sister came to visit. My aunt has Down's Syndrome and paranoid schizophrenia. Despite being born in an era when children with developmental disabilities were regularly shuffled off to care facilities and forgotten about, she was never treated any differently by my grandparents. She went to school, held a job, had a boyfriend and even lived in her own apartment for a while. After my grandfather died, she moved back in with my grandmother. She spent more time with my Grandma than any other person on Earth, I think.

During her visit to my house, she kept turning to me and saying, "You look different." This didn't surprise me much as A) my hair is currently purple and B) my aunt often lives in a world of her own making comments that may or may not be relevant to what the rest of us are experiencing. We spent several lovely hours together. As we walked out to the car together to say goodbye, my aunt became weepy. She clutched my hand and cried. When we asked what was wrong, she simply repeated, "I'm losing you!" I assured her that I was not going anywhere and that I would be coming to visit her soon.

A few days later, I saw my mom again. She told me that my aunt had remained sorrowful for most of the two hour trip home. Usually, her emotions are fleeting and her thoughts are distracted by pleasurable things (like the cheeseburger she got to have on the way home), so this was strange. As we talked about it, we realized that I am not only the person in the family who looks most like my grandmother, but I am also currently the same age as my grandmother was when my aunt was a young girl. It's very possible that when my aunt told me I looked different and that she was sad to be losing me, she was actually talking to my grandmother.

I can't think of a better reminder that she is always with me.

Grandma and me.

Mindgames and Mindsets

When it comes to writing contests and making submissions, I've had both success and ... not success. Both required patience while waiting for results. Neither gave me the head trip I've been on this last week after submitting to #Pitchwars.

What is Pitch Wars? It's a fantastic opportunity to gain a professional literary business mentor who will help you whip your full manuscript into shape with the goal of presenting your query and first page to an online gathering of agents. In past years, about half the participating mentees walked away with agents.

Unlike other submissions, this one comes with a full on, engaged Twitter community. Which is great-really. The mentors and the mentee hopefuls are kind and uplifting. They are endlessly supportive and giving. They are also a group of relentless teasers. (Which, to be honest, is half the fun.)

Literally, as in #PWTeasers.
Thus, the mindgames.

I've been following the Twitter feed for a week now-a habit I never had before. I'm pulled in by the hope, the slight (yes, 1% chance this year) promise my manuscript will get picked for mentorship.

I started trolling the feeds. Searching for teasers about my MS. Scanning for hints a mentor read, liked, and will maybe pick my submission. I laugh at the wit and banter and tell myself to stay strong, knowing a hint about my MS is bound to pop up.

Now, I am trying to keep my game face on. The one that does not let the slow, creepy crazy show through. Did I enter the correct email address on the sub form? Did the file really upload correctly? I think one mentor got it-so does that mean the others did too? I read there were a few upload glitches-what if mine was one and I never find out? I could miss my chance. So many doubts.

Reading the #Pitchwars and #PWTeaser posts from so many upbeat people reminds me a lot of Growth Mindset.

Growth Mindset is a huge buzz word/phrase in education, but is applicable anywhere.
Basically, if you believe you can make positive changes and continued growth, then you can.

The human brain is remarkable. You've heard of dendrites and synapses, those parts of the brain which carry electrical impulses and information? You can make more of them and then connect them together to create a sort of superhighway for information transfer.

The brain can also shut down, or at least parts will not function at their fullest potential if you have deficits. Deficits can come in many forms, like self doubt.

These lead toward Fixed Mindsets, or the idea that you cannot get any better than you are right now.

Though they do not know it, the people of Pitch Wars are reminding me to keep my Growth Mindset and 'stick-to-it-iveness'. I may not get a mentorship. I may not even get my current manuscript published. But I believe I have the guts to continue and the will to learn more.

Success is in my future!

Once again, the writing community is teaching me a lesson.

Could You Be a Situational Procrastinator?

I might be a situational procrastinator. 

What do you think?

-I knew I was getting an ear infection, but wanted to finish The Last Kingdom on Netflix, so I put off going to the doctor until after regular hours and had to go to the urgent clinic. (I guess this is a weird king of Kuddos to the show.)

RESULT: My ear is killing me despite the meds and I wish I had gone sooner.

-My son is nearly ready for college application time. I wanted some bonding-time with him this summer, so jumped right in and planned a trip for the two us. 

RESULT: Seven days, five states and three schools later, we learned a bit about each other and it was a great experience. 

-I go back to teacher schedule on Monday. For two weeks my teacher inbox has been pinging with meeting and training announcement. There are two I am to complete from home and that I am avoiding, one for a new district wide tech program and one that comprises of six hours of online video torture followed by a repeated testing salt wash.

RESULT: TBD. Truthfully, I'm not a rule breaker and I hate to miss deadlines, so I will get these done. But you can bet I won't start the tech training until the day before it's due and the other doesn't HAVE TO be done until October, so....

-With school starting back I should not have been surprised when I got the call to go move my classroom (its a yearly ordeal). I thought I was smart by asking about this problem at the end of last year (was told I would not move and thus packed the cupboards full instead of sticking everything in easily transportable boxes), but alas...

RESULT: I got my butt up there and moved my stuff and got the basic setup of the new room done. Why? Because this work effected other people. If I did not do my part, others could not do theirs.

-Weeding. Sucks. I am way more interested in sleeping in while I can than getting up early (so not to die of heat stoke) just so I can pull weeds from a 120 ft long rock garden. Especially since hubby already bought this grass/weed killer easy pump thingy for me and I haven't use it. Yeah.

RESULT: I weeded. I sprayed. I left the pulled weeds in the grass planning to ask my son to take the mowing over them to pick them up. I didn't ask or he didn't hear and they stayed for a week. The weeds dried up nicely in the sun, got watered by the irrigation system and now I have MORE weeds.

-At the start of summer I sat down and made a spreadsheet of upcoming writing competitions. It is a great sheet, in order by date and then alphabetized with all kinds of handy columns. I then picked two I thought I was nearly ready for.

RESULT: I was overzealous. No, I could not meet the deadline for a travel article because honestly, I couldn't decide if my ideas or trips were article worthy next to the other already published articles. I did start taking notes for a short story idea but decided not to enter because the idea is too big for a short story (I'm not abandoning it, though. It's on the slow burner for now.)

-Scanning through Twitter last week, I came across the #PitchWars writing competition. I emailed my writing group buddies who have manuscripts completed, agonized over my query and synopsis, and edited my 1st chapter for the 123rd-130th times.

RESULT: I made my submission yesterday. Two days before the end of the sub window. 

Is this kind situational procrastination normal?

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Yes. We all avoid situations which we find disheartening and wind up finding our happy place instead-my ear infection being a prime example. 

It's also a matter of motivation. Looking over my list, I found I am more motivated by close deadlines and taking action when other people are counting on me.

"Chronic procrastinators have perpetual problems finishing tasks, while situational ones delay based on the task itself." (source)

I take heart in this statement. I am not a chronic procrastinator. I finish many tasks and finish them well, thank you.

But I do have this problem...

“You know what you ought to do and you’re not able to bring yourself to do it. It’s that gap between intention and action.”

This quote below seems reasonable to me. As a busy person, one must learn to prioritize. Sometimes work wins, sometimes home life, sometimes massages and pedicures win.

"...procrastinators calculate the fluctuating utility of certain activities: pleasurable ones have more value early on, and tough tasks become more important as a deadline approaches. 

The more I read of the source article, the more I believe I am not the typical procrastinator who never completes a task, or makes lists of jobs to do, does one, shuffles the list, and does one more.

Maybe I am not a procrastinator. 

I don't fit anything on the list from Psychology Today.

After reading, this article (which I plan to share with my students), I think what I need to focus on is my attitude towards tasks-make myself find the positives and just get started. Again, looking at my list above, I can see how I've done this for the items I started on right away.

How to find the positive?

Here is a compounded list of steps from the Positivity Blog which I plan to take.

1. Find the optimistic viewpoint in a negative situation.

4. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

6. Add value and positivity to someone else’s life.

7. Exercise regularly and eat and sleep well.

11. Mindfully move through your day.

What Your Astrological Sign Says About Your Creativity

"As the Sun travels through the stars, it brings out the character of each zodiac sign, giving each person unique artistic abilities, strengths, and weaknesses. Each sun sign has its own creative focus, style, and aims to draw different artistic techniques, tools, and materials." (Source)

Humans are creative beings. But why? I've always been interested in what makes us artists. What drives us and inspires us to use our imaginations? I've explored music and creativity and now I'm wondering if some part of that ingrained motivation to create has less to do with biology and more to do with Astrology.

I'm new to this kind of study of self. Naturally, I looked it up. 

This video is short and sweet and gives a quick history lesson, too. 

Check it out to find out why I am focusing on the Hellenistic system in this post.

As a scientifically minded person, some of this seems like a stretch to me--but so do some of the items on this 'scientific' list. (Source)

AND... the suffix ology does mean the study of... which combined with the historical uses and multicultural aspects of using the stars as signs, leads me towards keeping an open mind about linking Astrology and the science of creativity.

After all, Albert Einstein did say:

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science."

While researching for this post I came across several descriptions of creativity models; my teacher friends will recognize some of these.

• Howard Gardner's Multiple Intelligences: body, spacial, mathematical, lingusitic, intrapersonal, interpersonal, musical and naturalistic smarts/creativity
• Bloom's Taxonomy: a gradient of creativity starting low at just having knowledge but not doing anything with it all the way up to synthesis and evaluation, which is creative thinking ability to make and judge
• Cognitive, Emotional, Deliberate and Spontaneous creativity work together
• Convergent and Divergent thinking are both needed, which I might argue are each used for different types of creativity

How does Astrology explain creativity in individuals, or how can creative individuality be explain through Astrology? Apparently, like any science, it takes many years to become an expert at seeing and then calculating all the information to answer that. Which leaves me out.

Instead, I'll just tell you if these descriptors about Geminis match me and if I think they have any connections to the four creativity models listed above. Keep in mind that Gemini individuals are really made of two minds (twins)--right away I am thinking that divergent thinking will be involved.

My Art Style

My duality should be a strength lending me to balance two lives and two personalities, think of this as life versus art. Finding this balance allows me to find artistic pursuits blended with other work. If I do not find balance, conflicting ideas can scatter my mind. (Source)

TRUE. In my case this could combine linguistic and intrapersonal intelligences with cognitive and spontaneous creativity. I do a lot of work on the fly and tend to make odd connections.

Creativity and Well-Being

I nurture my creativity with...*drumroll*....Words and more words. I'm happiest when I write down my favorite stories and am even happier to tell them to you! (Source)

TRUE. When I find a great story to share with my students or friends, my appreciation of the art is high (see Bloom's Taxonomy above) because I have to find a way to explain why I've placed that literary piece at the top of my list. Also, hello, I write stories and that takes me to the top of Bloom hierarchy. By bringing together all the elements of story telling I am also using convergent thinking.

Personal Style

I have an inquisitive, active, outwardly focused relationship with the world. I am objective. Travel and education are my friends. I need to get out into the world and mix it up, so a style that is up-beat and expressive, while letting me move and multi-task is essential. Accessories help be express my personality. (Source)

SORTA? This is me when I was younger. My friends and I would make regular visits to a huge Goodwill store and search for the most unique items we could. A favorite was an old, wool army jacket which I thought was fashionable, yet had a flare of grunge-this was the mid 90's near Seattle. Come to find out just this year that my dad (a Viet Nam vet) found it very disrespectful but let me try my style anyway. Now, I like the odd top or two and I have a thing for jewelry. Hubby bought me a lovely, large, armoire-like box. This has got to be intrapersonal intelligence and deliberate creativity.

Color Preferences

I am drawn to and represented by cheerful shades of yellow.

TRUE. I've been contemplating painting a wall in my home yellow and think the most beautiful building I ever saw was plastered in a buttery-golden clay. I read that yellow relates to learning and works with the left/logical side of the brain where it stimulates our mentality and perception, and inspires thought and curiosity. This is all about divergent and emotional thinking.

The Moon Made Me Do It

We can even try to boost our creativity by learning how our signs react to the moon. Ever hear of a crazy night in the ER near the full moon? It's because the moon can "heighten thought activity, especially when it comes to the creative thought processes." During a waning moon we tend to reflect and therefore more reflective artwork is made and more creative projects are completed. The waxing crescent is the time for generating new ideas.

MEH. Personally, I'd have to pay attention to see if this one works out. However, I can say I've witnessed how a whole school can go a little nuts-o on the day of a full moon.

It's Elemental

Your type of creativity is dependent not just on your sign, but also your element. Geminis are AIR people who are creative with words and relationships. They love writing, listening to and collecting info, and going on the internet to study things. (Is this me or what?) They love to plan and are great directors. (I am a bit bossy.) They need someone to bounce ideas off of-their creativity requires partnership. (Hello writing group!) They love to take classes and go on retreats, and they love teaching. (Hold the phone!) (Source)

FREAKY TRUE! This pulls together parts of all four of the creativity models.

I think I better stop here. I'm starting to get a little weirded out. Follow some of the links above and let me know if YOUR Astrological sign and element are in line with your creativity style.

Bonus**For more reading, try this article explaining five more creativity theories or this one about understanding Astrology.